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Shame: Understanding Its Nature and Breaking the Cycle

Shame is a complex and deeply personal emotion that every human experiences yet few feel comfortable discussing. It can lurk in the corners of our minds as a sense of unworthiness or humiliation, often shaping our behaviours and beliefs in unseen ways. Unlike guilt, which arises from a specific action, shame strikes at our very identity – making us feel fundamentally flawed. This piece explores the many facets of shame: what it is, how it differs from guilt, how it can drive perfectionism, its impact on our mental health and relationships, and most importantly, how we can heal from it. Blending psychological research with compassionate insight, the following sections offer an in-depth look at shame and a roadmap to resilience and self-acceptance.

Definition and Nature of Shame

Shame is holistically defined by Tracy & Robinson (2007) as “an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness”. In contrast to guilt, which is feeling bad about one’s actions, says “I did something bad,” whereas shame says “I am bad”​.

Psychologists classify shame as a self-conscious emotion – it requires self-reflection and typically emerges once a child develops a sense of self around age 3 or 4. When we feel shame, we do not merely recognise that we did wrong; we come to believe there is something wrong with us. Researcher Brené Brown (2021) provides a pivotal definition: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection”​. In essence, shame attacks our core sense of worth, making us fear we will be rejected or abandoned if our true selves are seen.

It is important to distinguish shame from guilt because their effects are very different. Guilt usually stems from a negative evaluation of a specific behaviour (e.g. “I made a mistake”) and can motivate us to apologise or change that behaviour. Shame, on the other hand, is a negative evaluation of the self (e.g. “I am a mistake”), which often leads to hiding, silence, or aggression rather than positive change​. For example, a person who feels guilty about telling a lie may confess and make amends, whereas someone who feels ashamed for lying may withdraw or lie further to avoid exposure. Psychologically, guilt can be constructive, but shame tends to be corrosive. One study with young children found that guilt in response to a misdeed led to efforts to help and repair the situation, whereas shame led children to avert their gaze and withdraw from trying to fix the mistake​ (Drummond et al., 2017). This illustrates how shame’s focus on self (rather than the action) often hinders constructive coping. From a neurological and evolutionary perspective, shame is a distinctly powerful emotion (Landers & Sznycer, 2022).

Brain imaging studies show that shame and guilt, while sharing some neural circuitry in the frontal and temporal lobes, have different activation patterns reflecting their unique focus​. In one fMRI study, feeling shame triggered intense activity in brain regions of the right hemisphere associated with self-evaluation, but notably did not activate the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) as much​ (LaVarco et al, 2022). Guilt, on the other hand, showed more activation in the amygdala and certain frontal areas but less widespread brain activity​. Researchers concluded that shame is a more complex, socially oriented emotion, tied to our perception of how others see us (“Have I damaged my reputation?”), whereas guilt is linked to our personal moral standards (“I violated my values”)​ (Landers & Sznycer, 2022, LaVarco et al, 2022) . Evolutionary psychologists suggest that these emotions developed to keep us in good standing with our group: guilt helps us correct wrongs that hurt others, while shame serves as an alarm that our social bonds or reputation may be in jeopardy​. In small communities throughout history, being devalued or ostracised could be a death sentence, so the pain of shame may have helped ensure we behaved in ways that kept us included​. However, while an occasional pang of shame might have social utility, chronic or excessive shame can become deeply toxic, as we will explore (Estrada, 2018).

Shame and the Emergence of Perfectionism

No one is born feeling ashamed; it is learned through experience and socialisation. Children develop shame in response to how they are treated and how their emotions and mistakes are handled by caregivers and community. If a child is met with warmth and guided to make amends after misbehaviour, they are more likely to feel guilt (“I did something bad, but I can fix it”). In contrast, if a child is met with harsh scolding, ridicule, or rejection, they begin to internalise a sense of shame (“I am bad/ unlovable”)​ (Sznycer et al., 2018). Research in developmental psychology shows that parents who discipline by attacking the child’s character (e.g. “You’re a bad boy/girl”) rather than the behaviour can inadvertently cultivate shame in that child (Jiménez-Granado, 2022). Repeated criticism, judgment, or comparison sends a message that the child is fundamentally inadequate. Indeed, a “core shame” can take root as a deeply felt belief that one is flawed or worthless, often forming early in life alongside insecure or fearful attachment experiences​. For example, a young child who is consistently ignored or belittled when they express needs may start to believe “I’m needy and wrong for having feelings”, and carry that belief unconsciously into adulthood (Jiménez-Granado, 2022).

Beyond the family, cultural and societal influences shape our experience of shame (Verano, 2021). Different cultures may emphasise shame to varying degrees as a form of social control. In societies or families that place a high value on honour, perfection, or saving face, shame is often used as a tool to enforce conformity (Verano, 2021). Children growing up in these environments learn that failing to meet expectations – whether it’s earning certain grades, adhering to religious codes, or upholding family reputation – will result in shame and loss of face. For instance, anthropologists distinguish “shame cultures” (where social reputation is paramount) from “guilt cultures” (which focus on individual conscience). In a culture that prizes honour, a person who deviates from the norm may be made to feel they have “brought shame” on themselves or their family​ (Lovering, 2022). Likewise, many of us receive messages from society at large (through media, school, etc.) about how we should look, achieve, or behave. When we inevitably fall short of these unrealistic expectations, the result is often a feeling of shame.

As Brené Brown (2021) notes, modern culture often bombards us with an “impossible mix of contrary choices” – “Be yourself, but be perfect. Look natural, but don’t you dare look old. Be confident, but not too arrogant.” – a cacophony of demands that virtually guarantees a sense of inadequacy​ (Sutton, 2017). Over time, these external pressures can become internalised as a relentless inner voice of shame, telling us we are never “good enough”. Next, we see how this internalised shame frequently manifests as perfectionism.

Oh, to be Perfect

Many people think of perfectionism as striving for excellence, but in reality, perfectionism often serves as a psychological shield – a defense against the feeling of shame. According to Brown (2021), perfectionism functions as a defensive mechanism, intended to minimise exposure to potential criticism or rejection through flawless presentation. This protective strategy, however, perpetuates emotional exhaustion and a continuous cycle of unrealistic self-expectations. Such unrealistic expectations not only heighten self-criticism when unmet but also reinforce existing feelings of inadequacy – “If I look perfect, I can avoid or minimise shame, judgment, and blame” (Staik, 2011).

The formation of shame-based perfectionism is significantly influenced by familial and cultural environments. Early life experiences, especially those involving conditional acceptance from caregivers or authority figures, can strongly instill the belief that one’s worth is directly tied to achievement and external validation. Children subjected to harsh criticism or emotional neglect may internalise an enduring message of inadequacy, making perfectionism appear as the only means to secure acceptance and approval (Margolies, 2013).

Psychological and Social Consequences of Shame

The weight of shame – that constant self-judgment – can be mentally exhausting. Carrying unaddressed shame is like living with a quietly spreading toxin; it infiltrates many aspects of life, often in the form of mental health struggles and disrupted relationships. A person steeped in shame may constantly worry, “What if people truly find out what I’m like?”, leading them to be on edge or overly guarded around others. Chronic shame has been linked extensively to serious emotional disturbances such as anxiety, depression, and diminished self-worth. These mental health issues typically arise from persistent self-criticism and the relentless perception of inadequacy (Lovering, 2022). Moreover, shame frequently leads to social withdrawal and emotional isolation, as individuals fear judgment or rejection upon revealing their perceived flaws (Margolies, 2013). This withdrawal, rather than protecting the individual, intensifies feelings of loneliness and reinforces the internal shame narrative, thereby perpetuating a destructive cycle.

Social withdrawal and isolation are common behavioural consequences of shame. Because shame makes us feel unworthy of connection, we often respond by hiding – literally or emotionally. We avoid friendships, romance, or new opportunities, convinced that if we reveal ourselves, we’ll be rejected. Shame is sometimes described as the emotion that wants to make you “shrink or disappear” – it makes people want to hide.

​This creates a vicious cycle: feeling shame encourages us to pull away from others or conceal our true feelings, but that very silence and secrecy intensify the shame. We receive no corrective feedback from supportive others that might challenge our negative self-beliefs; instead, alone with our thoughts, the shame festers. In fact, “secrecy, silence, and … out-of-control behaviours fuel shame”​ – meaning that when we bottle up our shame or act out in unhealthy ways because of it, we end up feeling even worse about ourselves. For example, someone who feels ashamed of their trauma or hardship might never talk about it (secrecy), perhaps coping through substance use or other self-destructive behaviours. This secrecy and lack of support then deepen the sense of worthlessness, which might drive more destructive behaviour – a self-perpetuating loop of shame.

In interpersonal relationships, shame severely restricts one’s capacity for genuine intimacy and authenticity. Individuals struggling with shame might either mask their true selves or become excessively sensitive to perceived criticism, resulting in superficial or strained relationships. Furthermore, shame can lead to distorted self-perception and maladaptive decision-making, with individuals either undervaluing their potential or avoiding important life opportunities due to fear of failure or exposure (Glicksman, 2019).

Strategies for Healing and Building Shame Resilience

Healing from shame necessitates intentional strategies grounded in vulnerability, empathy, and self-compassion. Central to overcoming shame is the cultivation of self-compassion, an approach involving the practice of extending kindness and understanding towards oneself during moments of perceived inadequacy (Neff, 2009). Psychologist Kristin Neff’s research underscores the effectiveness of self-compassion in directly countering shame’s negative self-talk by fostering a nurturing internal environment (Neff, 2009).

Equally vital in addressing shame is vulnerability through safe emotional disclosure. Brown’s (2007) extensive research on shame resilience emphasises that speaking openly about shameful experiences significantly reduces their emotional intensity. When individuals courageously share their vulnerabilities within safe and empathetic environments, they effectively disrupt the isolating effects of shame and open pathways toward authentic interpersonal connections and emotional healing.

When you risk being vulnerable about your shame – for example, telling a close friend, partner, or therapist about something you feel is your deep flaw – and that person still accepts you, the fundamental premise of shame (“if you knew the real me, you’d reject me”) is proven wrong. The shame loses its stranglehold. This is why connection is so vital in healing shame. We learn that we are still lovable even with our imperfections. In practice, reaching out might mean having a hard conversation where you admit, “I’ve been feeling really ashamed about X,” or joining a support group (for trauma survivors, for those in recovery, etc.) where others have similar experiences. Often, hearing “me too” from someone who understands can be profoundly liberating. It reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles or our emotions.

Cultivating self-compassion is equally crucial in breaking shame’s grip. Self-compassion, as defined by psychologist Kristin Neff, involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a good friend who is suffering or feels inadequate. Instead of mercilessly criticising ourselves – which is what shame wants us to do – we practice gentleness. This might sound simple, but for someone used to berating themselves, it can be a big shift. Why is self-compassion so important? Because it directly counters the self-judgment of shame. If shame says, “You’re terrible for messing up,” self-compassion says, “You made a mistake, but that doesn’t define your worth. You’re human, and humans are imperfect”. Research supports that self-compassion is a powerful antidote to shame and self-criticism​.

Another key aspect of healing is challenging the narratives and expectations that fuel shame. Earlier, we discussed how unrealistic or perfectionistic standards can set us up for shame. Part of recovering is actively questioning those standards. Ask yourself: “Whose standards am I holding myself to? Are they realistic or fair? Do I truly believe I must meet them to be worthy?”. Often, we find that the expectations driving our shame come from external sources (like critical parents, peer pressure, or cultural ideals) and do not reflect our own values. By developing what Brown calls “critical awareness,” we recognise that, for example, the idea that “I must be always productive and successful to have value” is a narrative we have internalised, not an absolute truth​.

Additionally, reframing and critically examining perfectionistic expectations play a pivotal role in diminishing shame. By recognising the external origins of these unrealistic standards, individuals can consciously choose healthier, more compassionate expectations, separating their intrinsic self-worth from external validation and achievements (Brown, 2021; Margolies, 2013).

Conclusion

Overcoming shame is a journey that takes time, courage, and patience. The good news is that by reading about this topic and increasing your understanding, you have already taken an important first step. The following are some reflective questions and exercises designed to help you confront and deconstruct your own shame narratives. You might consider journaling your answers or simply thinking them through. Remember to approach this process with gentleness – the goal is not to judge yourself, but to understand and ultimately heal those tender parts of you that carry shame.

Ultimately, shame’s destructive power diminishes when individuals actively engage in practices of empathy, vulnerability, and self-acceptance. Breaking the cycle of shame and perfectionism involves ongoing, reflective work that emphasises the intrinsic value of one’s authentic self. Developing resilience to shame fosters improved mental health, healthier interpersonal relationships, and enhanced personal fulfillment, empowering individuals to live authentically and compassionately.

Reflective Questions

Origins of Shame: What early memories of feeling ashamed come to mind? Who was involved, and what messages (spoken or unspoken) did you receive about yourself in those moments? For example, did a parent or teacher make you feel “not good enough”? Understanding where your shame started can help you see that it originated from specific experiences – it is not inherent to who you are.

Shame vs. Guilt: Think of a recent situation where you felt bad about something. Was it guilt or shame? If it was guilt (regret for an action), acknowledge the feeling and what it’s telling you (perhaps you need to apologise or make amends). If it was shame (a global feeling of being bad or unworthy), gently remind yourself that feeling does not equal fact. What would you say to a dear friend if they confessed the same self-judgment to you? Could you say something similar to yourself? (For instance: “I’m not happy I yelled at my kids, but one moment does not make me a bad parent. I see I’m a caring parent who had a tough day, and I can work on doing better without trashing myself.”)

Identifying the Inner Critic: What does your inner voice say when you feel ashamed? Write down some of those harsh statements that play in your mind (e.g., “I always mess up,” “No one could love me,” “I’m stupid/ugly/etc.”). Now step back and ask: whose voice does this sound like? Often, our inner critic echoes a critical caregiver or societal message we picked up. Realise that this voice is not your true voice – it’s an internalised tape. You have the power to record a new message. What might a more compassionate, truthful voice say instead? (Perhaps: “I have strengths and weaknesses like anyone. I made a mistake, but I’m learning,” or “I am worthy of love and respect, even if I’m not perfect”).

The Cost of Perfectionism: In what areas of your life do you feel the pressure to be perfect? What do you fear would happen if you were “imperfect” or let a flaw show? Try to trace that fear – for example, “If I’m not always strong, people will think I’m weak and leave me”. Once you’ve named the fear, challenge its validity. Is it really true that making one mistake or showing vulnerability would cause the loss you imagine? Often, our mind jumps to extreme conclusions. How has striving to be perfect actually harmed you or held you back (perhaps causing stress, procrastination, or shallow relationships)? Recognising the cost of perfectionism can motivate us to try a different approach.

Shame in Relationships: How does shame influence the way you act with others? Do you hide parts of yourself, avoid asking for help, or tolerate things that hurt you because you feel you don’t deserve better? Conversely, do you become defensive or distant when you fear criticism? Pick one pattern and consider: what would you ideally like to do differently, and what belief about yourself would you need to embrace to do so? (For instance, to stop people-pleasing and set a boundary, you would need to believe, “My needs matter and saying no doesn’t make me a bad person”). This can highlight where self-acceptance needs to grow.

Exercises for Healing Shame

• Write a Self-Compassion Letter: Think of something that triggers your shame (a trait, mistake, or situation). Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of someone who loves you unconditionally. Alternatively, imagine you are writing to a dear friend who is feeling exactly what you are feeling. In this letter, express understanding and empathy for your feelings (“It makes sense you feel this way, given what you’ve been through…”), and remind yourself of your good qualities and inherent worth. This exercise might feel awkward, but it actively builds the muscle of self-compassion. When you are done, read the letter back to yourself, out loud if possible. Our brains absorb kind words, even if we are the ones saying them!
  
• Challenge Secrecy with Safe Disclosure: Identify one thing you feel ashamed of that you have kept largely secret. Plan a way to share it with someone you trust, someone who has earned the right to hear your story. This could be a close friend, a support group, a therapist, or even an anonymous online community focused on healing (if in-person feels too hard initially). Before sharing, remind yourself that you are choosing a person likely to respond with care. You might start by saying, “It’s hard for me to talk about this, but I trust you. I have a lot of shame around [X] and I wanted to share it with you.” The act of voicing shame is profoundly freeing – it takes power away from the secret. Often, you will discover that the other person empathises and perhaps even has a similar experience, which can diminish your shame further. As scary as this step is, many people describe it as a turning point in their healing.
  
• Reality-Check Your Standards (Thought Record): The next time you feel ashamed over not meeting some expectation, pause and do a quick written exercise: draw two columns on a page. In the left column, write the specific self-criticising thought you are having (“I’m ashamed because I only did X; I should have been able to do Y”). In the right column, respond to that thought as if you were a compassionate but honest friend or coach. What might an outside perspective say? Perhaps: “You did X, which is actually quite decent given the circumstances. Expecting Y of anyone in that situation is unrealistic. You’re human. Cut yourself some slack.” If your thought is “Everyone must be judging me,” the reality-check might be: “In truth, most people are probably too concerned with their own lives to fixate on my mistake – and those who care about me would not harshly judge me anyway.” Externalising thoughts and then countering them in writing can help break the automatic shame spiral in your mind.
  
• Mindfulness of Shame (Name it to Tame it): When shame hits, it often floods us – you might get hot in the face, feel a pit in your stomach, want to escape, or notice a barrage of negative thoughts. Practice mindfulness by gently acknowledging what is happening in the moment: “I notice I’m feeling ashamed right now – my chest is tight, and I’m having thoughts like ‘I’m worthless’. This is a tough feeling, but I can be with it”. Take slow, deep breaths and remind yourself that feelings are transient. You might even place a hand on your heart or somewhere comforting and say, “This is shame, and it hurts. I will be kind to myself in this moment”. Research shows that labeling an emotion (“this is shame”) and practicing nonjudgmental acceptance of it can actually reduce its intensity by engaging our calmer, rational brain. Mindfulness will not make the feeling vanish instantly, but it allows you to respond to shame (with calm and care) rather than react (with panic or self-attack).
  

• Connect with the Wider Human Experience: Shame makes us feel isolated, as if we are uniquely awful. Counteract this by deliberately recalling that everyone has flaws and painful experiences. It might help to read memoirs or articles by people who openly discuss their struggles (with mental health, with feeling like an outsider, etc.), or to remind yourself of public figures who have very publicly failed and still carried on. When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m the only one who can’t get it together,” pause and say, “Many people feel this way. Being human is difficult at times. I am not alone in this.” This is part of the self-compassion practice – recognising our common humanity. It is not to minimise your individual pain, but to put it in perspective. Imperfect is the norm, not the exception. Every person you admire has, without doubt, felt shame and had moments of inadequacy.

As you work through these reflections and exercises, keep in mind that healing doesn’t happen overnight. You might address one layer of shame, only to discover another layer beneath it – and that is okay. Be patient and celebrate small wins, like catching a negative thought and turning it around once, or sharing a little more of yourself with someone than you could before. These incremental changes create a snowball effect, gradually building true self-esteem and ease within yourself.

Finally, let this sink in:

You are worthy of love and acceptance, exactly as you are right now. This is true without needing to achieve more, earn more, look “better,” or be “perfect”.

And if you need someone to speak to, we are here. Connect with us and make a booking – call +27 (82) 611-1984 or email info@spiralaloe.co.za. You can also make a booking via the booking page on our website.

You are note alone.

References

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.

Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”. Avery.

Glicksman, E. (2019). Your Brain on Guilt and Shame. BrainFacts.org.

Lovering, N. (2022). What Is Chronic Shame? PsychCentral.

Margolies, L. (2013). Breaking the Cycle of Shame and Self-Destructive Behaviour. PsychCentral.

Neff, K. (2009). Self-Compassion. William Morrow.

Staik, A. (2011). The Problem with Perfection. Psychology Today.Tangney, J.P., Wagner, P., Fletcher, C., & Gramzow, R. (1995). Shamed into Anger? The Relation of Shame and Guilt to Anger and Self-Reported Aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62(4), 669-675.